What to say if your child finds your vibrator?

I store my secret and satisfying lover in the hidden compartment of an ottoman in my bathroom. Towels are piled high over it, and inside I store all my overflow of beauty and hair products. Deep within that pile is a compartment I stash my "toys."

For a whole month, I was finding my vibrator with the batteries dead and always left in the "on" position. I like to conserve energy, so I know I NEVER would have wasted an AA battery in a recession with an amateur move like that.

I didn't have the guts to confront my husband, so instead I've spent the past thirty days bitching to my girlfriends about my husband's alleged jealousy over my affair with "Buzz Light My Year on Fire."

Gurl

One week, we grounded our sixth grader for poor grades. My husband sat him down, told him what the grounding entailed and just when he was about to leave his bedroom our defiant little guy decided to get in the last word: "Yeah, well, mom has a dildo!"

Insert the sound effect of a loud record or chalkboard scratch here. I was checking email when I heard him belt it out and I buried my face in my hands and burst out laughing while in shock. I give my husband a ton of credit. My child found my dildo.

The first words out of his mouth were "What does that have to do with your grounding?" With those simple words the conversation ended, my husband went to Home Depot and bought a new doorknob for our bedroom that requires a key, had a duplicate key made for me and handed it over sweetly the next morning. Well done, honey.

I felt so guilty about the false accusation I concocted about my husband. Here I was thinking my husband was secretly draining the batteries out of jealousy when in reality my child found my dildo and was busy wasting valuable battery power trying to figure out what the hell it did.

I was equally mortified when my son asked to talk to me in his room about my "disturbing sex toys." Does it get any worse than this, people? I couldn't believe he actually had the balls to call me out on it and use those exact words. Reliving it makes me cringe.

So here I was left to say something — I was forced to respond. The first words out of my mouth were "Yeah... well... older women use these and there is nothing wrong with that. I meet my obligations at work, home, and church and it is none of your business."

Tenor

I walked away, closed his door and thought to myself "What the hell did you just say to him?" I didn't want to overreact because, hey, it isn't illegal. I can't believe I referred to myself as an older woman... I'm in my early thirties! And what did meeting my obligations have to do with using a vibrator?

I have never been more caught off guard as a parent and quite honestly I didn't know what the hell to say.

I remember finding my mom's when I was a teen and I remember stumbling on to porn of my dad's, but I never in a million years would have EVER said a thing to either one of them. That thought would never have entered my mind — completely out of the question.

I called my mom and told her about it for a little moral support. She offered me this inspiring and incredibly comforting advice that I just had to share. "Wait 'til he tells that story to a therapist."

Let’s say, hypothetically speaking, that you were about to settle down to read your children their nightly chapter of Harry Potter when your nine year old child, on the hunt for a watch, rummages in your sock drawer, and let’s say (hypothetically speaking of course) that he pulls out a bright pink rampant rabbit and asks, ‘What’s this?’

What is the appropriate thing to reply in that situation?

As I am sure this is a position that some of my readers may have found themselves in, I will give you a suggested talk track (not that it’s happened to me you understand).

‘Ah, that. Well that’s just something for girls. You know. Nothing important. Now how about that story eh?’

‘But what does it do?’ the 9 year old child might ask, examining it closely.

‘Yes, what is it for?’ a younger 7 year old child might follow up intrigued.

‘Nothing, really. Now, let’s read.’ But at this point you may find it hard to keep a straight face and they’ll probably be onto you.

‘What. Is. It?’ they may ask in unison.

‘Well if you have to know, it’s what ladies use to strengthen their pelvic floor muscles after they’ve had babies.’ (Make up stuff and baffle them with big words and biological details about girl stuff and it may dull the interest). Although it may not.

‘What are pelvic floor muscles? And how would that work?’ (You may at this point like to tell them that their father didn’t know what pelvic floor muscles were either and thought that they were actually tummy exercises you did while lying on the floor. Although that may not be relevant).

‘Well the lady would, um, squeeze it and that would tighten up the muscles in her girly bits.’

‘What?! Do you still do that? At your age?’ the younger, more diplomatically incorrect of the two may ask.

The nine year old may at this point want to try it out by squeezing it hard in his hand. ‘I don’t get it.’ A look of bemusement may flicker across his face. ‘How does squeezing it tighten up muscles in girly bits?’ And as he squeezes it again, he may accidentally push the on button which then makes it light up with glowing pink lights and start to vibrate.

‘Um, mommy,’ he may say, pausing to look from it to you quizzically. ‘You are so using this wrong. It’s not a muscle tightener. It’s for massage. Feel. It vibrates. You have to use it for massage,’ he may say thrusting it into your hand.

‘Yeah, a massager for your balls,’ the 7 year old might retort amid gales of laughter. At which point you might find it particularly difficult not to laugh yourself. A lot.

‘But why does it have lights on it?’ the younger will ask.

‘Duh, that’s for a heat massage,’ big brother might reply, pushing the power button again so that the massage function kicks it up a notch.

At this point you might be laughing so hard that you do actually wish that you had invested in a pelvic floor toner.

It’s only when your son reaches into the sock drawer again and extracts the accompanying lubricating gel and asks whether that’s the massage cream and whether you can give him a massage, that you might have to ask them to put it away or else there won’t be stories, even though you may then find it quite difficult to read the story without giggling every few lines.

Not that any of this has ever happened to me of course. But I just thought it may be useful for someone else. A public service announcement of sorts.

Back

One afternoon while Nicole Kay of Westfield, N.J. was tidying up her home, her 3-year-old son shrieked. Panicked, Kay ran into her bedroom to find Alex holding her vibrator (which happened to have a smiley face on it) shouting, “Why is this dolly moving, Mommy?” Flustered and embarrassed, she grabbed her “toy” from her son’s hands, turned it off and said, “Uhhhh, I dunno.”

While experiencing a similar scenario is no-doubt cringe-worthy, Deborah Gilboa, M.D, a board certified Family Physician and a Clinical Assistant Professor at University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine, assures that these horrifying moments “offer up great opportunities to instill values about boundaries, privacy, specialness and appropriate behavior.” Just remember to think before you respond. “You don’t want to react in a way that makes your child feel like they asked or did something wrong,” she says.

And being proactive as a parent can go a long way in preventing some of these scenarios from occurring in the first place. “You can keep intimate, adult moments private by simply locking doors and drawers,” says Kevin Triemstra, M.A., a psychology fellow at Nemours/Alfred I. duPont Hospital for Children in Wilmington, Del. in the division of behavioral health.

Still, kids have a way of saying and doing things that catch you off guard. Chances are you have — or will — experience your own flummoxing moment with your munchkin that leaves you thinking, “Wait did that really just happen?” Read on to learn how to recover from six extremely sticky situations.

Your Toddler Walks In On You and Your Partner Having Sex
It’s easy to come up with a quick lie — “we were wrestling over the remote” — but don’t. “Even young children know when they’re in an awkward situation and when you’re scrambling the truth,” says Gilboa. “And you don’t want them to think that they can’t count on you for the truth.” Still, you don’t have to give them full disclosure. Say this: “We were cuddling. It’s something special that mommies and daddies do together.” And leave it at that.
Your Preschooler Discovers Your “Goodie Drawer” or One of Your Sex Toys
Take a deep breath and try not to get flustered. “Your delivery is really important, says Gail Saltz, psychiatrist and author of “Amazing You! Getting Smart about Your Private Parts.” “If you freak out, your kid will think they did something wrong or bad. And you don’t want them to feel bad about sex — just that it’s only for grownups.” So give a brief answer and then quickly redirect your child’s attention, say to an unrelated toy or book,” says Gilboa. Simply say, “That’s a tool.” “It’s a muscle massager.” Then redirect: “Hey, let’s go look for the cat!”
After Witnessing One of the Aforementioned Moments, Your Toddler Decides to Tell His Nanny/Teacher/Neighbor All About It
While it is embarrassing that your child just outed you, don’t get hung up on what the other person thinks. “All adults know about sex,” says Saltz, “so try to keep your reaction in perspective.” That said, immediately acknowledge that your child is telling the truth with a simple “Yes.” Then, change the subject.

Still, this introduces an opportunity to teach your toddler about privacy. “Now that your child has learned to talk, they have to learn that there are rules about talking,” says Gilboa. “You can explain to a child as young as 2 or 3 that there are some things that we only discuss at home — and nudity (just like poops and pee) is one of them.” And while certain topics aren’t up for discussion with the babysitter or on the playground, be sure to remind your child that there is no subject off limits with you. “Your child is going to have a lot of questions about sex in the coming years and you want to make sure that they feel comfortable to come to you first,” says Gilboa.
Your Kid Is a Big Fan of Naked Time — All the Time
You don’t have a chronic nudist on your hands, but you do have to set boundaries. Explain to your child that he can be naked at home as much as he likes, as long as you’re not hosting any visitors. But once he goes out in public, the clothes must stay on.

“Talking to your child about the activities, parts of their body and family information that should be kept private not only helps to prevent embarrassing situations, but is also essential in preventing dangerous situations from occurring,” says Triemstra. A difficult, but important conversation, you can say something like this: “Under your underwear is private. That means no one can touch or look at this area. This is why we wear underwear and close doors when we go to the bathroom.”
Your Preschooler Walks in As You’re Getting Out of the Shower and Asks: “Why Don’t You Have a Penis?”
Be honest, but brief. Say something that acknowledges the difference without inducing shame, such as “Because that’s the way ladies are made. Cool, huh?”

“Children are keenly aware of the differences they see between themselves and others — and they often ask questions out of that curiosity,” says Triemstra. And while a basic anatomy lesson shouldn’t happen as your stepping out the shower, it’s “a good idea to take the time to explain the general differences between boys and girls — while using proper terminology,” says Saltz.

And this brings up a bigger question: Should you stop sharing a shower with your kid at a certain age? Gilboa says that it’s fine to be naked in front of your kids, as long as neither of you feels awkward about it.
Your Preschooler Likes to Park his Hand Down His Pants — Even on the Playground
Gilboa says that the first wave of childhood masturbation peaks between the ages of 3 and 5, so it’s not abnormal to see a kid innocently rubbing themselves. “It’s completely natural,” she says. Still, if junior is playing with himself in public or in front of the family, ask him to take his hands out of his pants. Then explain, “Touching your privates is a private thing. If you’d like to do that, please do it when you’re alone in your room or wait until we get home.” Again, don’t make a big deal out of it, says Saltz. “The more attention — even if it’s negative — your child gets for his behavior, the more likely they are to continue it,” she says.