How to stop basing self-worth on others

The next Whole Life Challenge starts in:

Self-worth is self-love. It means being on your own team. It means giving yourself the same respect, dignity, and understanding you want for your loved ones.

Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it?

The consequences of low self-worth can be huge. Depression, risky behaviors, the willingness to tolerate abusive treatment, and a nagging sense of failure to reach your own potential are all signs of it.

Indeed, low self-worth is often the cause — not the effect — of hardships in your life, whether they are financial, relational, physical, and so on.

So, how do we improve it? It starts by changing how we think. In this article, you’re going to learn about ten different thought habits and beliefs that people with a high sense of self-worth consistently demonstrate.

These are simple concepts yet may seem strange, especially if you’ve spent a lifetime struggling with confidence or self-esteem. But consistently working to adopt these beliefs about yourself can pay off big time in virtually all areas of your life. So take a few minutes to read through these ten beliefs and then pick a couple to try on for yourself and see what happens.

10 Thoughts and Beliefs of People with High Self-Worth

1. No matter what I’ve done or haven’t done, I’m worthy of love.

A person with a high sense of self-worth takes responsibility for their mistakes, but does not degrade themselves for making them. If they goof, they say, “I did a bad thing” instead of “I am bad.” They say sorry when they needs to, and do what they can to make things right.

They do not grieve alone, but lean on their loved ones for support. They know that they’re not the only person who’s experienced this, and that by sharing their story with people who have earned the right to hear it, they are taking good care of themselves.

On the other side of things, the self-worthy person does not become overly dependent on success, flattery, or adoration. This person is confident and takes pride in their achievements, but shows grace and humility, too. They don’t do things to get love; they do things for the love of them.

This person welcomes both success and failure — both of which are useful, largely subjective, and never a barometer of a person’s worthiness.

2. My “things” do not define me.

You are not the clothes you wear, the car you drive, or the relationship you do or don’t have.

Yes, it is healthy and even fun to enjoy the finer things in life, and a person with solid self-worth is able to do so joyously. But this same person also recognizes the impermanence of everything. Money comes and goes. Relationships end. Accidents happen. Things lose value, break down, get lost, get old, and die.

The person who honors their worthiness knows that they can enjoy external things without attaching their identity to them. They appreciate what they have while they have it, and wholeheartedly strives to get what they truly want. But they also know that even without these “things,” they can still look in the mirror and say, “You are enough.”

3. I am allowed to feel whatever I’m feeling.

People with self-worthiness are not “always happy.” They feel all the same feelings that anyone else feels.

The difference is that a person with a solid sense of self-worth creates space for their emotions without feeling guilty about them. They understand that their emotions are just tools that are helping them pay attention. They notice their emotions, and allow them to be as they are. Then, when this person no longer needs those emotions, they simply let them go.

4. I delight in the joy of missing out.

A self-worthy person is not afraid to be alone. They love hanging out with their closest friends and family, but also cherish solo time.

This person doesn’t go to parties and events simply because they are afraid to be left out. They believe the people who really matter will always welcome them, and even if they don’t, they will still be okay on their own.

This person knows that what other people think about them is none of their business.

They create time and space for themselves, and honor that by setting firm boundaries. They do not allow people to encroach on their privacy. They invite people into their life who have earned the right to be there — and recognize that other people have the right to invite them in (or not), as well.

5. It’s not about what happens; it’s about how I respond to what happens.

People who have a high sense of self-worth haven’t had easier lives than people who don’t. They simply remember that only they are responsible for their feelings, thoughts, and actions. They do not stay stuck in victim-hood, and they don’t spend too much time feeling sorry for themselves when things hit the fan.

But it’s not that people with self-worth never feel bad or get down on themselves. They do — we all do. The difference comes in how these feelings are handled.

Rather than getting stuck in what’s “wrong” right now, there is a more powerful way to approach obstacles and the resulting negative feelings. We can choose to acknowledge these feelings, forgive ourselves for whatever we labeled as “wrong,” and move forward with the new information we have gathered because of these experiences.

6. I do what I love, and I love what I do.

What do you value most in life? What do you look forward to doing? What would you do if knew you couldn’t fail—or what would you still do even if you knew you could fail?

A self-worthy person puts their needs first. This doesn’t mean they are selfish — it simply means that they know it is each person’s responsibility to put their own needs first. They inherently know that they can only love and help others to the extent that they love and help themselves, so they make time and set aside energy to invest in the life they want.

The self-worthy person looks for the “win-win” situations. They are able to help others by helping themselves. They believe in fair trade and equal exchange. They find joy in doing what they love, and they honor other people’s right to do what they love, too.

7. I see myself in others.

Self-worth requires the belief that the world is a like a mirror. If people are judging you, it’s because you are reflecting a part of them that they have yet to accept. Sure, their judgment may hurt — but ultimately, it’s about them. It doesn’t have to become your truth. And their judgment can only hurt you to the extent that you hold that judgment against yourself, as well.

The same is true for when you judge others. Whatever you see in someone else is something you have in you. To this end, self-worthy people are thankful for the challenging people in their lives because they see them as opportunities to learn more about themselves. And these people take heart in seeing the positive in others, because that means they can see those things in themselves as well.

8. I believe in something greater than myself.

You don’t have to believe in God or subscribe to an organized religion to have self-worth. But having the belief in some “higher power,” some unifying connection between everyone and everything, can be enough to help you keep things in perspective — even that part of humanity that existed before you were born and that you will contribute to and leave behind when you’re gone.

A person with a high sense of self-worth is neither full of themselves, nor thinks that the world revolves around them. Instead, this person remembers and is humbled by their small but important role in the grand scheme of things. Like a singular wave in a great big ocean, they know they are part of something greater, and as such are never truly “alone.”

9. Every day, I find things to be grateful for.

Gratitude is a daily practice for people with high self-worth. These people appreciate the small and big gifts of life, and expresses appreciation whenever and however they can.

It’s pretty easy to feel grateful when things seem to be going well. A true challenge is to find things you can say “thank you” for even when you are dealing with one of the greatest challenges of your life. You can only do this if you are willing to detach your sense of worthiness from your achievements and your external circumstances.

10. The story I tell about my life means everything.

The way you think influences the way you live.

If you can believe this statement, and start changing your thoughts based on your belief, expect to experience some serious self-growth, new opportunities, and a deepening and hugely empowering sense of self-love.

So, ask yourself: What kind of life story are you telling yourself? What do you say you “always,” “never,” “should,” or “ought to” do? Are these expectations actually true? Where do they come from?

A person with high self-worth asks these questions. They may write them down in a journal or discuss them with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. They enjoy the process of learning, and at any moment realize that they have the power to change their own story.

Think Worthy Thoughts, Take Worthy Action: The Self-Worth Checklist

For every empowering and self-loving thought you have, there should also be a complementary action to support it. Run through this Self-Worth Checklist and make a goal to start implementing at least one of these nurturing action steps every week, if not every day:

• Eat healthy food.
• Exercise.
• Politely decline invitations to events that you have no interest in attending.
• Minimize your alcohol intake.
• Get a massage.
• Write in a journal.
• State affirmations to yourself in the mirror.
• Be aware (and cut back on) how many times you say the words, “I’m sorry.”
• Ask for help.
• Meditate.
• Listen to your favorite music.
• Treat yourself to something you love to do.
• Learn something new.
• Do something that takes you out of your comfort zone.
• Be confident in your own thoughts, feelings, and opinions.
• Practice the fine art of letting go.

Got a friend? Share this list with him or her. Utilize the power in numbers and make your journey of self-worth a collaborative one with the people closest to you. The world needs more people operating closer to their fullest potential, and your commitment to improving your self-worth will certainly help with that.

References:
1. Brown, Brené. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.
2. “Self Esteem,” Psychology Today.
3. Ferriss, Tim. (2016). Tools of Titans.
4. Demartini, John. Breakthrough Experience: A Revolutionary New Approach to Personal Transformation. New York: Hay House, 2002.