What does it mean when you cant stop thinking about your ex

Sometimes it can be difficult to tell if you're really over someone. You might feel like you've moved on — and really believe it — but suddenly you realize that you keep reminiscing about your previous relationship even after you’ve started a new one. So if you’re constantly asking yourself, “Why do I still think about my ex,” getting to the bottom of those thoughts can help you move forward.

According to Laurel House, a dating and breakup coach, you’re not ready to be in another relationship until you don’t think about your ex for at least one day and feel comfortable being alone. Her tip? Think about how you feel in moments of emotional weakness, whenever you’re lonely, or whenever it’s late at night: Do you still think about your ex?

Even if the answer is no, these feelings can still arise — even when you begin dating again. House explains that sometimes, missing your ex can sneak up on you when you're already with someone else.

Either way, it’s easy to jump to conclusions and assume that thinking about your former partner automatically means you want to get back together. But not so fast, says psychologist Dr. Paul Greene, PhD, director of the Manhattan Center for Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. Though puzzling over “why do I still think about my ex when I have someone new?” can sometimes mean you have a lingering attraction to your ex-significant other, you might just be working through some unresolved feelings about the relationship.

“Memories of relationships stay with us for a long time, so it's not healthy to wait until they're completely forgotten before moving on,” he tells Bustle. “Instead, focus on how well you're able to connect with your new partner — that's more important.”

If “why do I keep thinking about my ex?” has become your new mantra and you can’t get your former relationship off your mind, then it's time to do some serious soul-searching. To help, relationship experts share their advice for what to do when you’ve got your past partner on the brain.

Happy Memories Don’t Mean You Want To Get Back Together

The first thing you should remember? Taking a trip down memory lane doesn’t necessarily mean you’re pining after your ex, says Greene. “Thoughts and memories aren't ‘signs’ that you're not ready [to move on],” he tells Bustle. “They're just thoughts and memories.” View them as simply that and try to remove any conclusions you may be jumping to in your mind.

If your previous relationship was a happy one, Greene says it’s natural to look back fondly on those times like you would any other positive experience. Besides that, it’s also hard to just forget a chapter of your life — you’re bound to reflect on it at some point, which is why moving on is a complicated process. Reminding yourself that it’s normal to think about your past could help you feel more at peace with reliving those memories, he explains.

Figure Out What Your Feelings Are

That said, it’s important to understand how you feel about your ex. That’s not to say that you actually want to reconcile — there are a lot of different reasons they might still be on your mind. Are you still thinking about them because you wish you were still together? Were you just together for so long that thinking about them is a habit? Or are you still angry about how the relationship ended? There are endless reasons they might be knocking around upstairs, so take some time to figure out where those thoughts are coming from so you can address them and move on, says House.

While looking back on old memories is natural, constantly thinking about your ex — even if you hate them — can be a sign that you're not over them or the relationship, says April Masini, a New York-based relationship expert and author. After all, the opposite of love isn't hate: It's indifference. "Anger is a form of connection, but disinterest is a form of release. If they don’t pique your interest, you’re over them," she tells Bustle. So if you find yourself daydreaming about your ex all the time, that could be a signal that there’s some unfinished business there for one reason or another.

Decide If You’re Really Ready To Be In A Relationship

If you’re seeing someone new, it’s important to decide whether or not you're actually ready to be in this relationship. That will come down to the way you're still feeling about your ex and the past relationship, and how your current partner feels about this. It's one thing for you to think that you're ready to move on, but it takes two to tango — and your partner might not agree. Plus, there's a difference between being over one person and being ready to be with another.

"Getting over your ex and being ready to be in a new relationship are often two separate things," Masini says. It may be that you and your partner decide that your feelings still mean you can be in a relationship. If the issue is that you're still feeling hurt or angry at your ex and can't stop thinking about that, your partner may understand — or even have been through the same thing. It might be that you can work through your issues together and help each other.

But, if the reason you're still thinking about your ex is that you still have strong feelings for them — and you're basically using your new partner as a placeholder — that's not fair. It may be time to consider ending it.

Knowing whether or not you're over your ex isn't easy, especially when you're already with someone else. If they suddenly pop into your mind again, try not to panic. Just think seriously about why they're still relevant in your life and talk to your partner about those feelings. You may not be ready for this new relationship or you may still be hurt and have to find new ways to work through it. Either way, your best bet is to be honest about how you're feeling.

Talk To Your Partner Once You've Figured Out Your Feelings

Once you know how you feel about your ex, you should have a conversation with your partner. You don't want to open up a serious talk if you're not sure where you stand, but as soon as you become sure then it's only fair to them to bring it up and talk about it.

Whether it's "I'm really struggling to let go of my anger toward my ex," "I'm not sure I've really moved on," or "I'm not sure I've really moved on, but I want to," your partner deserves to know.

It's also important to try to talk to them with a game plan in mind — or at least a plan to make a game plan. When you talk to them, come up with a path forward that works for both of you. If you are still talking to your ex, you may want to take a step back, at least for a while.

You also may want to consider counseling or being more open with your current partner about your past relationship. Sometimes, a professional can help give you a new perspective or allow you to process feelings that you're having problems moving past. Either way, come up with a strategy together.

But remember: “Getting over your ex and being ready to be in a new relationship are often two separate things,” says Masini. So if looking back on good times is just that, then there’s no reason you can’t simultaneously enjoy your current relationship, says Greene.

Avoid Comparing

It's inevitable that you’ll measure up your current relationship to prior ones, according to Greene. After all, your exes are your reference point for relationship experience. But it’s like comparing apples to oranges. “Remember it's not fair to compare a new relationship to one that may have lasted a much longer time,” he says. “Be patient.”

Greene’s advice? Notice when thoughts comparing your current partner to your ex go from being passive (where the thoughts just come up) to active (where you're trying to puzzle through how the relationships stack up to one another). When you realize you’ve drifted into that active process, redirect your attention elsewhere by tuning into your senses, moving your body, or otherwise distracting yourself. Breaking the habit of comparing your relationships can help you better focus on your present partner, he explains.

Focus On Your New Relationship

Why dwell on the past when you could live in the present? The saying holds true when it comes to relationships, says Greene. But that’s often easier said than done. To help, he recommends spending time actively considering what you like about your existing partnership. Understanding exactly why your current partner makes you happy can help you feel more present in the relationship without constantly referring back to your ex.

Experts:

Dr. Paul Greene, PhD, psychologist and director of the Manhattan Center for Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy

Laurel House, dating and breakup Coach

April Masini, New York-based relationship expert and author

This article was originally published on March 21, 2018

This article was originally published on March 21, 2018

“I can’t stop thinking about my ex!” You are not going crazy. I repeat, you are NOT going crazy.

“A heartbroken person is unlike any other person. Their time moves at a completely different pace than ours. It’s this mental, physical, emotional ache and feeling so conflicted. Nothing distracts you from it. Then time passes, and the more you live your life and create new habits, you get used to not having a text message every morning saying, ‘Hello, beautiful. Good morning.’ You get used to not calling someone at night to tell them how your day was.” – Taylor Swift

It’s totally normal to be ex addicted, even after months have passed (it once took me two years to get off the “I can’t stop thinking about my ex,” train). After a breakup, your ex becomes the default setting that you mentally and emotionally go to no matter what happens. Whether you’re trying to get back out there and date or just staying single for the time being – you’re unhappy and in a constant state of pain, anxiety, and rehashing. Everyone you meet is a highlighter (they do nothing more than highlight the absence of your ex), and it sucks. There are no erasers in sight.

Thinking back to when I’ve found myself in the “I can’t stop thinking about my ex”…

I realize now that a lot of the certainty I felt in the fact that I’d never find anyone like my ex and that I’d never be happy again, was grossly over-exaggerated. It was nothing even close to factual and heavily convoluted by the fog of my desperation and nonexistent self-esteem.

All I wanted to do was reach indifference.

As Elie Wiesel says, “hate is not the opposite of love.” Deep-seated emotion is still involved with hate. Indifference is the holy grail because indifference is basically not giving a sh*t either way. It’s being healthily emotionless. Indifference is not about wishing someone well or ill – it’s about no longer giving a sh*t.

Doesn’t THAT sound nice?

When you’re indifferent, you are at peace with the toxic relationship that was. This is why when we reach authentic indifference, many exes come shamelessly (or passively), come crawling back.

We are all energetic beings and the second that someone can sense our indifference as genuine (and not as a means to elicit a reaction/drama), they panic because they know right then, that they are no longer in control and that you are no longer a bench-warming option.

Human nature 101: people ALWAYS want what they can’t have/let slip away. This is true even if you’re not in communication with your ex. Energy always transcends conventional communication because energy is our only way of truly communicating.

I remember a few months after a really bad breakup, I was still in “I can’t stop thinking about my ex” mode. It was bad. Fast forward to a year later, it hit me one day that I hadn’t been thinking about him, AT ALL. And I was okay with it. My addiction was gone and I was finally clean.

Is there really a way to deprogram “I can’t stop thinking about my ex” mode?

Is there anything you can do to speed up your recovery time and end the ex addiction so that you don’t waste another year (or more) that you’ll never get back?

How do you get clean once and for all?

How To Stop Thinking About An Ex? Here’s What You Need To Do:

Understand that you’re a junky. Yes, you’re an addict and the first step to recovery is acknowledgment. Denial is a dangerous place to reside and it goes hand-in-hand with delusion. If you can’t stop stalking his social media, that’s okay. I’m not asking you to stop (impossible, I know). I’m asking you to be real with yourself as far as your ex addiction goes. That’s the first step.

If it’s an emotionally unavailable ex that has you on “I can’t stop thinking about my ex” mode, you need to understand:

• You’re missing the IDEA of him more than you’re actually missing him (sub “him” and this can be applied to all genders and orientations). Let’s be honest, If you characterized your ex by his actions instead of continuing to hang onto his words, you’d realize that the person you are actually missing doesn’t exist in reality. Make sure that you’re mourning the loss of a person that you know, DOES NOT exist – not the loss of a toxic person that does. He revealed who he truly is. He was this guy before you, with you, and he will continue to be the same guy with her. It’s so hard to let go because you’re not just letting go of him physically, you’re letting go of him emotionally. You’re letting go of the man that he promised you he was, all while trying to grasp and accept who he clearly and consistently is.
• The kick-the-dog Scenario. Still in “I can’t stop thinking about my ex” mode?” Do you blame yourself and think that you not being good/pretty/sexy/understanding/secure/cool/porno/classy/intelligent enough “made” him do what he did? Think of it this way: If I got you mad enough, could you ever get so mad that you would kick your dog? I hope everyone responds with an outraged “No way!” Unfortunately, there are people in this world that if they got mad enough, they’d go into such a rage, they’d kick their dog. There’s nothing in this world that could ever get me mad enough to hurt an animal. To be able to kick the dog when you’re angry, you must have the preexisting capacity to do so. I don’t have that capacity, so as angry as someone could make me, I’d never take my anger out on an animal. No one can “make” you kick the dog. They can only provide an environment where you get angry. What you choose to do with the anger is up to you. So getting back to your ex, you didn’t “make” him do anything. Could your insecurities, your drama, and your distrust have motivated him to dump you? Absolutely. But they didn’t (nor will they ever) have the power to MAKE him lie, cheat, be emotionally unavailable, disrespectful and devalue you. They didn’t “make” him be a piece of sh*t. The ability to “kick the emotional dog,” when triggered had to be PREEXISTING and that ability doesn’t just go away. It may lie dormant for a while, but the capacity to do so is always within them – independent of other people. He will eventually be the same way with her.
• All of that happiness that you felt in the relationship? YOU created that by seeing what you wanted to see (projecting), putting him on a pedestal, and deciding to be a professional red flag ignorer. It’s easy to let go of reality, your pride, and your reputation, just as it’s easy to hold onto heartbreak, hopelessness, abandonment, and rejection. It’s much more difficult to let go of anger, disappointment, pain, and the coulda, woulda, shoulda’s. Stop being an emotional hoarder.
• Stop having sex with your projections. You basically just had an emotional orgy with your projections. If your self-esteem was intact, you wouldn’t fall in love with projections, you’d fall in love with character and distance yourself from an absence of it. Character = PATTERS (that are comprised of actions) and words that consistently MATCH those patterns in REALITY (not in your hopes, imagination, potential, and dreams).
• The only way that the relationship could ever work is if it’s one-hundred percent on his terms. That’s called a non-mutual relationship and non-mutual relationships are not conducive to your mental health. So, what’s the point?
• The reason that you’re having such a hard time shutting off “I can’t stop thinking about my ex” mode, is because to get clean, you’d have to truly accept your ex for who he is. Sometimes it’s hard to do that because when we finally accept someone for who they are (who they’ve consistently been), it forces us to focus on the one thing that we try with all our might to avoid. The one thing that we abandoned long ago: ourselves.
• Your willingness to subscribe to your imagination as “truth,” is directly correlated to how much pain you choose to be in and how far from indifference you want to reside. Have I acted on my triggers? Have I been ex addicted? Absolutely. I own it all, but by remaining in a state of accountability and acknowledgment, I’m able to retain my power in spite of being triggered. You can’t claim to want to reach the road of indifference while making a conscious effort not to even fill your gas tank.

How long does it take to get clean?

It’s different for everyone. Pain is pain and trauma is trauma. It’s all dependent on your triggers and issues. For me, it used to take a really long time to get off of “I can’t stop thinking about my ex” mode.

The points above did not immediately rid me of my ex addiction but they significantly increased my ability to bounce back and ultimately, become indifferent.

They made me more aware – of myself and my ex.

Make the decision with me now to stop putting your life on hold over the hope that one day the cat will bark. Cats meow. If you’re stuck on waiting for him to meow, FINE, but why not focus on bettering yourself in the meantime?

Poke a hole in your imagination boat, take him off that pedestal, retire your role as the doormat, and feel every ounce of your pain because it is yours and it WILL eventually pass.

If you feel like you’ve given up on your Happily Ever After, that’s just because you’ve chosen to give up on yourself. I’m not giving up on you nor is everyone else in this tribe.

You are not alone. Sometimes all it takes is just for one person to believe in us.

Do you want to get clean fast? Keep the above in mind & work at it every day by being an active participant in your healing.

This is why they say recovery from addiction is a decision away. It’s hard, but the decision is yours and yours alone.

Take my hand and let’s do this together.

x Natasha

+ If you can’t stop thinking about my ex and need further and more personalized help with your breakup, please look into working with me here.