How to avoid boyfriend without hurting him

This article was co-authored by John Keegan. John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health. This article has been viewed 815,769 times.

Co-authors: 19

Updated: July 26, 2021

Views: 815,769

Article Rating: 74% - 112 votes

Categories: Dating

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• "Provides truthful information about how young girls should not have to always take the initiative with communication. Now, wait and have the boyfriend grow up and initiate contact himself. Very, very informative and helpful."

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Not all relationships end because someone did something wrong. Sometimes the attraction between two people just fades. For the sake of both persons involved, breaking up is kinder in the long run than pretending you're still invested in something that you've long been over.

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   Think your decision over.[1] X Research source Go to source No matter what you do, it's unlikely that he will be 100 percent okay after you break up with him. Therefore, be sure that you're not going to try to get back together with him right after the two of you break up.[2] X Research source Go to source

2. 2

   Talk to a friend. Talking to a friend you trust will help you weigh the pros and cons of the breakup. You may also be able to practice what you plan to say with your friend. Make sure that it's stern enough to get the message across but gentle enough to do minimal damage to his feelings.[3] X Research source Go to source

   • If possible, do it with a mutual friend. Warn them that you are going to break up with your boy, and ask that your friend be there to support him. If you are worried about losing your friends, tell your mutual friend your side calmly. This is not the time to rant or complain about everything that your boyfriend has ever done wrong. Instead, find a level-headed way to explain yourself. Make sure you make it clear that you want the breakup to be as clean and pain-free as possible. After you break up with your boyfriend, you can tell your friend that it's okay to repeat what you said. In his support, he may be able to explain to your boyfriend that you really do care about him, even if it's not in a romantic way anymore.

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   Plan. Choose a neutral date—try to give a week or two buffer time between birthdays or anniversaries if you can. Start to show subtle signs that you're less interested—don't tell him you love him out of the blue, act slightly distant when you're together etc. Be careful here; there's a fine line between giving subtle signs and being a jerk.[4] X Research source Go to source

   • If you've told a friend, tell your friend exactly when you plan on breaking up. Call them just before you see your boyfriend so that they can give you extra courage. This will ensure that you go through with the breakup instead of dragging it on for weeks (which is not fair to you or your boyfriend).

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   Plan a neutral but relatively private location, such as a less-than-crowded park. If your breaking up with someone long distance, make sure it's a day when you know they'll be available to talk on the phone or Skype alone.[5] X Research source Go to source

3. 3

   Prepare yourself emotionally. When the time rolls around, don't chicken out. Tell yourself that you're doing the right thing—not only will you be happier after you break up with your boyfriend, but it's not fair to him to be with him if you're not happy. Refresh your mental list of the reasons you're breaking up. Talk to your friend for support before you see him if you need to.[6] X Research source Go to source

1. 1

   Greet him. You will be nervous, but don't just launch into the breakup. Give him a friendly hello and a smile. If he starts talking to you, don't panic. Sometimes a little small talk before you drop the bomb will help ease the situation. Don't force small talk either, though. When there is a lull in the conversation, take a deep breath. Tell him that you think that the two of you should split. The exact wording is less important than the fact that you should get the point across. This sentence is not the time to be sympathetic or apologetic—make sure your tone of voice is polite but assertive.

2. 2

   Encourage talking. Your boyfriend's first instinct may be to leave or say something rude. Keep a level head and ask him to talk it out before he gets angry. Give a couple sentence summary of why you want to break up. Apologize. Then, let him ask questions. He may be feeling overwhelmed, so don't be alarmed if he doesn't have much to say.[7] X Research source Go to source

   • If your boyfriend asks why, do not give him a detailed list of everything he's done wrong. Try to keep it along the lines of "my feelings just faded, sometimes it happens." If he wants specifics, it's okay to give them, but be sensitive. He shouldn't feel like you're attacking him.

3. 3

   Allow the conversation to flow its course. Above all, try to stay calm. He will feed off your energy. When you sense that the conversation is nearing its end, explain to him that you really do want to get to the point where you can be friends again. However, you should also make it clear that you want to give him adequate time to get over you. Therefore, he will have to make the first move towards friendship if and when he's ready.

   • Let him know that you really enjoyed your time together. This will help him remember that he did mean a lot to you—that the whole relationship wasn't pointless.

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   Say goodbye. Once the two of you part, avoid contacting him unless he contacts you first. Don't talk smack about him to your mutual friends, and try not to make anyone take sides.[8] X Research source Go to source

1. 1

   Don't try to "win" the breakup. Avoid flaunting the fact that you're with other guy directly after the two of you break up. It's okay to go out and enjoy being single, but don't post a million pictures of you with other guys to Facebook, and be sensitive if you know he's going to be there. Don't go on a date with someone to a place where you know you're going to run into him. Try to talk to him, see if you could still be friends so that it isn't making your life awkward.[9] X Research source Go to source

   • Don't get sucked in if he tries to do this to you, either. Realize that it's his way of trying to prove to you and himself he doesn't care, and take a deep breath and turn the other cheek. If this happens, let him "win" by not retaliating.

1. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/break-up.html

This article was co-authored by Jessica George, MA, CHt. Jessica George is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Professional Master Life Coach, and Co-Founder of Evolve Therapy Coaching based in Glendale, California. With more than 20 years of experience, she specializes in hybrid therapy and coaching services, couples counseling, and clinical hypnotherapy. Jessica holds a Bachelor’s degree from The University of California, Santa Barbara and an MA in Counseling Psychology and Talk Therapy from Ryokan College. Jessica is trained in the Imago technique and the Gottman method for couples therapy. She also earned a Professional Life-Coach Certification from The Fowler Academy and an Infinite Possibilities Relationship Certification. She is a member of the International Board of Coaches and Practitioners (IBCP). This article has been viewed 267,074 times.

Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 267,074 times.

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  "Honestly, this article helped me so so much. I was in a relationship with a boy who wanted to change who I was and turn me into his dream girl. You helped me get out of that situation. Thank you so much for the article!"

• "I was wondering whether I should break up with him. This really helped me think it through."

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  "This was kind, sensitive, and considerate if both parties are involved."

• "This helped me loads. Thanks! :)"

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