Why dont i want to kiss my boyfriend

So I love my bf. But whenever I kiss him, I don't feel anything. I love being around him, holding his hand and cuddling or whatever. But when I kiss him, I feel absolutely nothing. I don't even close my eyes. And normally I don't like any kind of affection, and he gets upset when I don't want to kiss him. But I can't help it, I just don't like it.

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A lack of kissing in a relationship is not a good sign. 

When couples come in to see me for counseling, I ask some of the following questions: What values do you share? How long have you been struggling?

However, one of the most important questions I ask is this: How often do you kiss?

The answer to this question gives me a lot of information about a couple's connection.

When there's a lack of kissing in a relationship, intimacy can fade fast.

RELATED: What To Do When The Guy You Like Is A Terrible Kisser

Is it normal to not kiss in a relationship?

A romantic relationship involves sexual intimacy — a friendship does not.

If you are married to someone and you have no sexual intimacy, you are in a friendship, not a romantic relationship, and that is something you will need to decide if you want to change. And a simple relationship kiss is a powerful thing.

When I talk about sexual intimacy, I'm not just talking about intercourse. Kisses are very intimate, especially kisses on the mouth.

Remember Vivian's rule in Pretty Woman? She'd do just about anything, but no kissing on the mouth. Kissing on the mouth was just too intimate.

How important is kissing in a relationship?

Kissing is essential to every relationship.

No matter how busy your life is, the time it takes to be in the moment for a kiss with your partner will not derail your schedule. And it's crucial to keep the spark alive or, as I will detail below, getting the spark back.

Keep in mind that hugs are great, too. I strongly encourage any couple who is having a hard time with their physical connection to incorporate hugs into their routine.

Just understand that a kiss is more powerful and therefore more necessary to the viability of any romantic relationship.

One of the greatest things you can do to keep intimacy alive in any relationship is to kiss each other on a regular basis. I'm talking about kissing on the lips — not just a peck on the cheek or the forehead. Save those pecks for your Aunt Ethel.

What does it mean when your partner stops kissing you?

Relationship satisfaction comes in the form of physical touch — holding hands, physical contact, and mouth-to-mouth kissing.

You should feel comfortable kissing your partner. But if your partner doesn’t like to express affection or make eye contact with you, it could be a sign they don’t feel good about your relationship romantically or they don't feel emotionally close to you.

If you stop kissing each other, it doesn’t mean don’t like kissing each other. A lack of kissing could mean that there’s a problem in your relationship. Sometimes people don't accept intimacy when they don’t feel loved.

RELATED: If You Don't Like How They Kiss, It Will NEVER Work Out. Period.

Is it normal to not like kissing?

There are some people who don't like kissing in general, sure. But there's a difference between not liking kissing and not liking to kiss your partner. 

If you feel like your partner doesn't like to kiss you, you should communicate. Try to see where they're coming from, and don't accuse them.

Simply make an observation about how your intimacy has changed. Tell them how it makes you feel, but make sure you hear and listen to their point of view.

The last thing you want to do is accuse them of being a bad partner. 

How can I make more of an effort to kiss my partner more?

Kiss each other when you say goodbye in the morning, when you come home at night, when you go to bed, when you're leaving on a trip, and when you come home.

Surprise each other with kisses on the fly.

Even give a sleeping spouse a kiss when you leave or come home at odd hours.

Every time you kiss, you show the other person how special he or she is to you. Kissing will also help reaffirm your attachment to them.

How the lack of kissing in a relationship affects both of you long-term:

Too often, people tell me that they feel like they're just friends with their spouse.

They say that there is no longer any touching and a lack of kissing in a relationship. They talk about being really great roommates.

When a relationship has gotten to this stage, couples often try to get back into the routine of having sex. This is a good idea, but you shouldn't necessarily just jump right into the sack.

Starting with hand-holding, hugs and kisses is a more gentle way to reintroduce yourselves to that kind of romantic intimacy, as both partners need to feel comfortable with this level of intimacy before they can reintroduce sex into their relationship.

Once a couple becomes comfortable with kissing, they often find that more intimate steps simply follow along naturally.

If you find your relationship faltering or turning into a roommate situation, refocus it with a kiss.

Once you both commit to prioritizing yourselves in this way, things will begin to shift — and you will find that old intimacy rising once again.

RELATED: Why Do We Kiss? Science Explains Why People Kiss To Show Affection

Kate Evans specializes in women's support, providing individual, group, and couples therapy for teens and adults. She also specializes in Sex Therapy, helping individuals and couples rediscover intimacy and overcome obstacles in this delicate area of life.

Kissing is one of the easiest ways to show someone love and affection. It’s also a good way to test sexual chemistry with a partner you just started dating. It’s such a common act that it’s just something we automatically assume all couples do. But that’s not necessarily the case — in fact, some people don’t like kissing.

Hearing your partner say, “I don’t like kissing” for the first time may shock you — especially if you love to make out. It may even make you wonder whether it’s just their way of saying they’re not attracted to you. After all, a 2020 study published the journal Sexual and Relationship Therapy, found that kissing frequency is a strong indicator of relationship connectivity. The more you kiss, the happier you tend to be in your relationship. You’re also much more likely to develop a stronger bond with your partner, and have a better sex life.

But even if kissing seems like the one of the most natural things a couple can do, some cultures don't recognize it. In fact, a 2015 study published by the American Anthropological Association found that 45% of North American cultures don't kiss, not even in a romantic or sexual way. And due to the COVID-19 pandemic, some people may be a little more hesitant to kiss.

Gigi Engle, certified sex coach, tells Bustle that the reason someone might not like kissing can vary. "For some people, they just find it 'gross' or weird. For others, it just doesn't have the same 'pair bonding' or nurturing effect that is has for most people.”

But as long as you and your partner communicate about it, there are plenty of kissing alternatives you can explore.

1

If the part of kissing your partner doesn’t like is the mouth-to-mouth, close facial contact may be OK. As Carol Queen PhD, Good Vibrations staff sexologist and author, tells Bustle, you can try exploring each other's faces using your hands first, and then go from there. "Get into the eroticism and intimacy of this without the pressure of getting into each others' mouths," Queen says. "Cheek to cheek movement, focusing on how it feels to breathe against each others' faces, also soft nibbling if they're cool with it, can be wonderful kissing substitutes."

2

When your partner says, “I don’t like kiss,” it’s important to discuss what that actually means. If your partner says they're fine with kissing if it's not on their mouth, then you can discover other places on their body where they do like to be smooched. For instance, Queen says the throat and neck area are especially erotic for many people. "Palms to elbow crooks, are also quite sensitive places to kiss, stroke, and nibble," she says. "They don't have the face-to-face overwhelm that some non-kissers find to be too much."

According to couples therapist Jacob Brown, they might even like kissing, but feel uncomfortable being kissed. “They might like kissing someone on the cheek or forehead, but not on the mouth. It’s helpful to look at the different types of kisses to see is there are some types of kisses that they feel comfortable with.”

3

Talking about your likes and dislikes can help you figure out kissing alternatives — and you can have some fun with it, too. As Dr. Rose Schlaff, DPT, women's sexual health coach who specializes in helping women reclaim intimacy, tells Bustle, "Write body parts on a piece of paper, and draw them out of the hat. Touch, massage, or kiss those body parts and see where that takes you. Focus on creating a space that is comfortable for the both of you, and leave kissing off the table for now."

4

One of the biggest benefits to kissing is how it can enhance you and your partner's bond. "When we kiss, our brains are flooded with oxytocin, the body's 'love' or 'cuddle' hormone that makes you feel close to your partner," Engle says. It not only makes you feel good, but it can also make your partner feel safe and close to you.

The good news is, kissing isn't the only act that has this effect — there are other forms of affection, like tender touching, and sexual play can help you feel close. "When directed to a romantic partner, they stand apart from acts you would share with platonic friend, resulting in feelings of love," she says.

5

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Sometimes just a stare can do the trick. According to Dr. Carly Claney, Ph.D., licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in holistic healing and couples therapy, sharing brief eye contact while you're going about your day can create a moment of intimacy. "There can be so much communicated and felt when you look deeply into the eyes of your partner.” Some couples might set aside a few minutes each night to do it as part of their nightly routine.

6

Amy K. Bucciere, LCSW, sex and relationship therapist, tells Bustle she recommends extended physical contact to couples. While there are different approaches to this, what they all have in common is “continuous minutes of undistracted non-sexual physical contact.” For instance, Bucciere says David Schnarch, a licensed clinical psychologist and co-director of the Marriage and Family Health Center has a "hugging until relaxed" technique. In this technique, couples stand in front of each other and hug until they're fully relaxed in each other's arms. If done regularly, it can increase passion in the relationship. Couples who do this regularly typically feel relaxed, recharged, and closer together.

7

Finding other ways to physically connect aren't the only things you can do as alternatives to kissing. Sometimes words can be just as effective. In fact, practicing gratitude in your relationship can help you build intimacy and connection. "Hearing about what your partner is grateful for (about the relationship or in general) may foster connection as you learn about one another and share in a moment of appreciation," Claney says.

8

Many people use kissing to show affection, but if that’s off the table you can show it by doing small thoughtful things for each other. According to Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and relationship expert, acts of service such as making dinner for your partner is a great way to show your partner how much you love them. If they’re on their feet all day and they come exhausted, offering to rub their back or feet is a good physical alternative to kissing. If they look like they need a hug, give them a hug. It’s all about being observant and in tune to what your partner may need. “Touching in general sets your relationship apart, and physical touch such as hugs are important in relationships,” Trombetti says.

9

Holding hands is another way to show affection — it’s simple, and you can do it anywhere. You can hold hands when you’re out walking around together, or while you’re sitting at home watching movies. “Kissing in itself isn’t important to a relationship,” Brown says. “What’s important is finding a way to express affection that you feel comfortable with and that your partner experiences as affection. It’s different for every couple. But the manner in which you show affection is not nearly as important as finding a way in which both you and your partner can feel loved and appreciated.”

10

LaylaBird/E+/Getty Images

If your partner doesn’t like kissing, you can form a strong bond by working on the emotional intimacy in your relationship. As Dr. Wyatt Fisher, a licensed psychologist, previously told Bustle, “Emotional intimacy is a sense of closeness developed with another person over time. Usually it involves a feeling of safety and having your inner thoughts and feelings known and accepted.” You can build emotional intimacy by being open and vulnerable. Not sure where to start? Try asking them these intimate questions to strengthen your connection.

Studies referenced:

Busby, D.M., Hanna-Walker, V., & Leavitt, C.M. (2020) A kiss is not just a kiss: kissing frequency, sexual quality, attachment, and sexual and relationship satisfaction, https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/14681994.2020.1717460

Jankowiak, W.R., Volsche, S.L., & Garcia, J.R. (2015) Is the Romantic–Sexual Kiss a Near Human Universal?, https://anthrosource.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/aman.12286

Experts:

Gigi Engle, certified sex coach and author

Dr. Rose Schlaff, DPT, women's sexual health coach

Carol Queen PhD, Good Vibrations staff sexologist and author

Dr. Carly Claney, Ph.D., licensed clinical psychologist

Amy K. Bucciere, LCSW, sex and relationship therapist

Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking

Dr. Wyatt Fisher, a licensed psychologist

This article was originally published on July 24, 2019