Why does my daughter hate being touched?

Commonly overlooked sensory symptoms and signs of sensory issues that could be a clue to your child’s needs, which will decrease confusion and frustration.

This thing happens to me all the time as a pediatric OT… I’m talking to parents during a party, a play-date, or even in line at the grocery store, and the parent casually mentions, often in passing, an odd thing that their child does. Maybe their child walks around on their toes all the time, gags at some foods, or hates being messy? Sometimes, they aren’t even that concerned about this odd “thing”. Often times, I know this “thing” their child is doing is a sensory symptom or sign of a sensory issue (which isn’t as bad as it sounds!)

Sensory processing can be very complicated and the truth is many parents have never heard about it. Some realize their child may have some sensory issues that sometimes cause odd, confusing, or frustrating behaviors.

When I find myself in these situations, I usually feel a bit stuck because sensory isn’t exactly a quick topic, especially for parents who’ve never even heard about it. If you’ve found your way here, my bet is that you know at least a little something about sensory, but if not, that is okay, too. Either way, I have an exciting solution to that problem, but before I get to that, let’s talk more about these sensory symptoms, or as like to call them, sensory red flags.

What are Sensory “Symptoms” (aka Red Flags)?

A sensory symptom, or sign of a sensory issue, is anything your child does that indicates their sensory system needs more sensory input or less. That need happens because of the way their unique brain is “thinking” about the sensory input it’s receiving.

Hopefully that didn’t confuse more! Let me give you a REALLY simple example. My son loves to jump on the furniture, this is a sensory symptom for him because I can see that he is trying to get more sensory input when he’s doing that.

I wanted to write about a few of the most overlooked sensory behaviors or red flags, so that you can begin seeing why your child does seemingly odd or unusual things.

Understanding why your child is waving a sensory red flag, or displaying signs of sensory issues, will help you help them! But before you even do that, you need to know what the heck this sensory thing is all about anyways? Because I know, that as I sit and write this, many of you are feeling overwhelmed or frustrated. It’s a reaction that I’ve seen too many times to count, and, to be honest, it gets my anxiety going up because I want to help you! I know the solution to that frustration and overwhelming feeling.

*Learn 3 secrets about using sensory activities to calm and focus kids in this free workshop, we’ll give you an awesome digital workbook and checklist too!

10 Sensory Symptoms and Red Flags

Before we dive into these behaviors, I want to make it VERY clear that just because your child may have one or several of these red flags, it doesn’t mean that they have sensory problems, autism, or any other diagnosis. We ALL have sensory processing needs and differences. Seeing your child’s behavior through the sensory lens will allow you to understand them and support their needs, which means less confusion and frustration for everybody!

And, if you’re concerned that your child’s sensory issues need addressed by a professional, then check out sensory integration therapy. You’ll find a guide to walk you through figuring that all out so you have peace of mind! If you are concerned your child has autism, or already know they do, check out the link between autism and sensory processing.

1. Avoids Movement – If your child gets scared at climbing playground equipment, roughhousing, or riding a swing, they are likely avoiding vestibular and possibly proprioceptive input. Those are our sixth and seventh senses that give us our sense of balance and body awareness.

2. Gagging at the Sight, Taste, and Smell of Foods – Although not always sensory, gagging immediately when confronted with foods is often because the oral system is being overwhelmed. Read more about sensory issues with food.

3. Frequently Walking on Toes – Children often do this because they are sensitive to the sensations they are feeling on their feet and prefer as little of their foot to be touching the surface as possible. Sometime children toe-walk because they like the pressure it puts on their ankle, which is more proprioceptive feedback. Or, it can also be the result of a vestibular system that isn’t processing properly, read more about that here.

4. Clumsy – There are a variety of reasons that a child may seem to fall or bump into objects more than other children, and one of the most overlooked reasons is because the child’s proprioception and possibly vestibular systems aren’t working too well.

5. Hides at Parties or Avoids Them – If your child hates going to parties or other public places, it is possible that they may be overstimulated by the noise, lights, and/or people accidentally touching them. For kids that have this response due to a sensory processing difficulty, a party can be downright torture as the sounds, sights, and unexpected touches can just be painful to them, literally. Head to sensory sensitivity in kids to learn more.

6. Prefers Tight Clothing – Sometimes kids will want to layer clothes or wear really tight fitting clothing to give themselves more proprioceptive input. It may seem strange, but the sensation they receive is calming to them and may even help them focus better. Or, your child may be extremely particluar about some sort of fabric. This all relates back to sensory. Head over to sensory issues with clothing to learn more.

7. Wild Child– There are a variety of reasons that kids seem to bounce off the walls at times, but kids that always seem to be jumping, climbing, running, pushing, and roughhousing are typically seeking out proprioceptive input, and sometimes vestibular as well. Unfortunately, these kids are often described as “bad” or wild, but really, they are just trying to get their needs met. Click here to read more about sensory strategies for wild kids, and a three part plan for “dealing with” hyperactive kids.

8. Likes Bright, Fast Paced TV Shows – I know a lot of kids like these types of shows, but if your child only wants to watch fast, bright shows, then it may be an indication that they want more visual stimulation. If that is the case, your child may also like looking at lights and brightly colored or high contrast books.

9. Bites Toys or People When Unprovoked – If your child seems to bite others or their toys often, usually for no reason, they are probably looking for some deep, intense proprioceptive input.

10. Doesn’t seem to notice when being talked to or needs directions repeated – Yes, sometimes kids ignore, and sometimes this is normal, but if it is a frequent recurring issue than it is a sign that your child’s auditory or hearing system is not processing information well.

Check out 11 more sensory red flags in the follow up post. 

Does Your Child Have Sensory Symptoms?

All of these behaviors are like a red flag that your child is waving to tell you something about their sensory processing. It is a clue into what they need from a sensory standpoint (click here to read about understanding your sensory kid). That need may be help avoiding something like bright lights or seeking something like chewing on toys.

To start figuring out what types of sensory activities might be helpful for your child, follow these steps:

Get the 21 Sensory Red Flags Printable Checklist

Wish you had all these red flags and 11 more you might be missing in a list you could download and/or print out?

I’ve got you covered! Click here to get the 21 Sensory Red Flags checklist sent right to your inbox! 

Did You Pin This?

More on Kids Sensory Red Flags

How to Choose the Right Sensory Toy for Your Child

8 Secret Strategies for Sensory Issues with Food

Easy Sensory Strategies for the Classroom

How to Identify Sensory Issues in Toddlers

Alisha Grogan is a licensed occupational therapist and founder of Your Kid’s Table. She has over 15 years experience with expertise in sensory processing and feeding development in babies, toddlers, and children. Alisha also has 3 boys of her own at home. Learn more about her here.

Children are small and dependent, and as a result, we tend to have most things for them. As adults and parents, we also determine ‘how’, ‘where’, ‘what’, ‘when’ and ‘who’ in our child’s lives most of the time, too. This often leaves littlies feeling like they have little or no agency over their lives.

Most of these things are done without much thought in the busy routines of our day-to-day lives. It’s not that your child’s feelings or needs are irrelevant, but the loss of agency and limited opportunities to express independent needs can sometimes unintentionally contribute to your child’s daily challenges.

We insist they should eat something when they tell us they’re not hungry. We tell them it’s okay even when their cries insist that it isn’t, and sometimes we encourage them to cuddle people they don’t want to. No big deal, right? After all, you wouldn’t want to hurt grandma’s feelings.

There isn’t anything wrong with a child, or in fact, a person of any age, refusing a kiss or cuddle. You’ve probably had days where you haven’t felt like being hugged much… only you have the benefit of being an adult and being able to say no. If your child says no to a hug or kiss from a friend or family member, this is a message that should be respected. And as the parent, it’s your job to make sure it is.

Here are 8 reasons why we must support children who say no to a cuddle or kiss:

#1: It teaches consent

One of the most important lessons we need to teach our kids is consent. And one thing all parents know is that children learn more by our actions than they do from our words. It’s no good telling your child about the importance of consent if you’re contradicting the lesson whenever it’s time to say goodbye to a family member.

If you truly want your child to understand the importance of consent, then you must respect his wishes when it comes to his body. And this means not forcing him to cuddle your friends, grandparents, or picking him up when he doesn’t want you to.

#2: He doesn’t want one

It’s that simple. If he doesn’t want to cuddle grandpa, he shouldn’t have to cuddle grandpa. If he wants to ride in the car without his seatbelt fastened, that’s different.

As a parent, it’s your job to keep your child safe, and this sometimes means he’ll have to do things he’s not happy about. Cuddling grandpa isn’t one of those things. He not wanting to should be enough of a reason that he doesn’t have to cuddle grandpa. You may find it a little embarrassing that he refuses to kiss your mother-in-law, and worry that she thinks you’re doing a terrible job of raising her grandchildren, but that doesn’t override your child’s body autonomy.

#3: He should have control over his own body

You spent nine long months growing your child’s body in yours, nine (or perhaps nineteen!) hours giving birth to it, and countless months nurturing it. But that doesn’t mean you have any claims over it.

One of the hardest realisations parents make is that while they created and nurtured that gorgeous little body and never want to let it go, it does belong to someone else. It’s his body, and he should be free to control it as he wishes. And that means it’s up to him whether he wants to give cuddles or kisses, and if he doesn’t, you should respect that. By giving your child respect over his body, you teach him that everyone should have control over their own bodies. The only way to truly teach this lesson is to practice it with your child. No means no.

#4: It goes against what we believe

Many parents try to respect the wishes of their young children these days. We know that control is a sticking issue that causes a lot of tensions in families. Young children battle with control as they develop a healthy sense of self-identity. They want to make choices and decisions. If we don’t allow this expression of self, young children grow frustrated and emotional. And so many parents offer choices throughout the day. Which cereal would you like for breakfast? What would you like to wear today? Which story shall we have before bed? And yet, when it comes to kissing family members, many parents are falling into old parenting patterns. The choice is taken away, and children are told to do it anyway.

#5: Forced physical contact sends a weird message

Put simply, nobody should ever have to do anything with their body that they don’t want to do. And being guilt-tripped into it is not a good reason to relinquish control of your own body. And yet, that’s what is happening when we force children to kiss grandma goodbye against their will. They see the sadness on grandma’s face when they refuse, and then the happiness when they are forced into it. And from this they learn that physical contact can make people happy, is that really a lesson we want our kids to learn?

#6: Lack of attachment

The people we most want our children to hug are usually people who have played an important role in our own lives. Perhaps it’s your favourite uncle or your best friend from university who you wish your child would embrace. And though you may share a deep personal history with that person, it’s important to remember that your child doesn’t. Your child doesn’t have an instant lifelong friendship with everyone you know. In fact, your child is busy making his own friendships and relationships. This doesn’t mean your child isn’t ever going to love your friends as much as you do. It just means he isn’t there yet. Give it time, let him get to know them and, most importantly, let him lead the situation. That way, when he does reach out for a goodbye hug, it will mean even more.

#7: There might be a good reason

Sometimes children don’t want physical affection because they’re not in the mood, and other times it could be a specific person they don’t want to cuddle. It could just be one of those things, there’s no reason why but your child just doesn’t want to give them a kiss goodbye. Or, your child might not have enjoyed their visit. Perhaps they teased your child too much, accidentally hurt them or maybe your child is scared of their beard (if that’s the case with grandma, it’s probably best not to tell her).

It doesn’t have to be logical, you may have noticed that young children are not the most logical people at the best of times, but it should be respected. And, though it is rare, abuse does happen. And it is often friends or family members who are the abusers. If your child doesn’t want to say goodbye to somebody, respect that. If it develops into an ongoing theme, talk to your child about why he doesn’t like that person. Read BellyBelly’s tips on how to best protect your child from sexual abuse here.

#8: Grandma can take it

Sometimes, as parents, we found ourselves encouraging our children to do things simply because it will make life easier or seem a little more polite. We encourage our kids to kiss grandma so that they don’t look rude, and so that grandma (or Uncle Jim, or whoever) doesn’t get upset or offended. Of course, friends and family members want to be close to your children, and definitely want to go home with that warm glow you get from being liked. But this isn’t your child’s responsibility. Grandma is old enough to take a little bit of rejection every now and again. She won’t go home and cry into her pillow, but your child probably will get upset if forced into doing something he doesn’t want to do.

It might make for an uncomfortable minute when your child refuses a cuddle, but it’s your job to validate your child’s feelings and then stick up for them. ‘Ok, no kisses today then,’ or something along those lines should do it. If you want to, you can always ring the adult later and explain that it’s nothing personal, you’re just respecting your child’s body autonomy.

Recommended reading

If you’re interested in the arguments for children having control over their own body, you might enjoy this article on why smacking should be avoided.