When I’m messaging with a guy on an app, there comes a point when he will ask me,“So, what are you looking for?” I hate that question. Maybe some people are only looking for sex, or only looking for friendship, or only looking for a long-term relationship, and if they know that about themselves, they should say so. But personally, I’m open to the possibilities! I love having sex, I love making new friends, and I would love to be in a relationship. Any one of those things sound appealing, let alone a combination of the three! If we’re on Grindr, we’re clearly looking for sex. If they’re asking my preferred sexual position, it’s written clearly on my profile. If we’re on Hinge, the answer is (probably) supposed to be more wholesome and meaningful. But again, it’s right there on my profile. “I’m looking for a loving, generous man with a big heart and a passionate spirit.” One time, a guy on Hinge asked me the question, and I got the impression he wanted a Grindr-type answer. So, I told him what I like to do in bed, and then he got really offended. So, tell me what you’re really asking. If you’re asking if I want a long-term relationship, you can ask me that. If you’re asking if I want something serious or casual, then ask me that. If you want to know if I’m a top or a bottom, then ask me. I think if we approach every conversation knowing exactly what we want from the other person, and immediately dismiss anyone who offers us something different, we can miss out on a lot of worth-while connections. When I was younger, I really wanted a boyfriend, and I pursued people with that goal in mind. So, whenever I had a crush on a guy who liked me as a friend, I felt rejected, and the two of us would stop talking. But if I had just been in the moment with those guys, and let the connection develop into whatever it wanted to be, I might have made some really great friends. A guy with a sexy picture could be less attractive in real life, but still engage me in a wonderful conversation. A guy who seems initially like someone I want to date could be boring at dinner, but amazing in bed. I can never be certain whether I want sex, friendship, a relationship, all of the above, or none of the above, until we actually meet each other in real life. Our options are limited during the pandemic.My preference to “meet each other in real life” is out of the question for the duration of the Coronavirus quarantine. I never used to believe that cynical joke that dating someone in Queens when you live in Brooklyn is like being in a long-distance relationship — but it feels more true than ever right now. I haven’t gone any farther than the grocery store down the block in over two weeks. A relationship is unlikely to blossom in this chaos, and sex is off the table until it’s safe to get closer than six feet away. So, these guys on the apps can finally stop asking me: “What are you looking for?” There’s only one answer left… We’re looking for connection.We can’t rush into a relationship or rush into sex when we’re forced to stay in our homes. But we can be friends. We can connect. We can comfort each other and inspire each other and make each other laugh. We can tell each other about the beautiful song we heard or the amazing book we read. We can instigate a spontaneous virtual dance party. We can calm each other down and lift each other up. We can tell each other stories ’til we kick our heels with joy. We can talk until we fall asleep, our hearts brimming with gratitude. We can welcome the worst of each other, and illuminate the best. We can be wholly human with each other. We can reflect one another, and make each other feel seen, and heard, and held, and loved. That’s the answer.
If you’ve been using Tinder for long enough, you would have definitely heard the age-old question: “What are you looking for on Tinder?” If you’ve then proceeded to freak out, you’re not alone. Maybe you’ve had one of these variations:
This question can be make or break… What if she is thinking the absolute worst about me? What if what we want is completely different and she stops talking to me? Well, my friend, you are not alone if you’ve thought this way. I have heard from numerous guys that they have been unmatched or had conversations fizzle out due to this. So… How should you answer what you are looking for? Well, the truth is, first of all, it really depends on you, and what you are actually looking for. Are you looking for a hookup on Tinder? Or are you looking to start dating? Maybe you are just curious or bored, or somewhere in between. The fact is, everyone is on Tinder for different reasons, and it’s okay to have your own reasons. Some Of The Reasons People Are On Tinder:
 Why Your Match Is Asking What You Are Looking For On TinderThis is the real question. The main reason she is asking is to see if what you want is aligned with her. So, basically, she is asking this to filter out the wrong kind of guys. It’s a tricky question, especially if her bio is blank. Of course, honesty is the best policy. If you strictly want something casual or a relationship, tell them. But for the rest of this post, I’m going to assume you are open to what you are looking for. Maybe a hookup, maybe someone just the hang out with, maybe something more? Video Recommendation What Your Match Is Looking For On TinderThere are a number of reasons as to why your match is on Tinder. That’s probably why you are freaking out about how to answer their question. I get it man, you don’t want to say you’re maybe looking for something a bit more serious if your match is only looking for a hookup. Remember, this is only if you are open to anything on Tinder and not looking for anything specific. Recently a study explored the difference in intent between male and female Tinder users. Although the results were fairly similar, the intent for one-night stands was the main difference between genders. Which I assume a lot of you would have already known.
Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely a lot of women looking for something casual on Tinder, it’s just quite a bit different from the number of guys. The study reported that 49% of men are mainly looking for a one-night stand as their main priority on Tinder, compared to 15% for female users. The main takeaway from this isn’t that there might be a few more guys looking for a fling out there (which I’m sure you already knew), but mainly that what men and women are looking for isn’t all that different. Another interesting point I take away from this data is the variation in what ALL people are looking for, regardless of being male or female. Related: How To Spot Fake Tinder Profiles, Bots & Scams How To Answer “What Are You Looking For On Tinder?”Are you not sure what you are looking for on Tinder? Great! I don’t think many people are! So when it comes to answering this question, I feel this is the best way to answer it. Now, you don’t want to straight-up answer “I don’t know”. That will leave your match disappointed. The best way to answer what you are looking for on Tinder is to be ambiguous, whilst giving your answer. This could sound a bit confusing to some of you, but let me give you an example to help illustrate what I mean. Question: What are you looking for on Tinder?Answer: “To be honest, I’m not completely sure. I downloaded it mainly out of boredom and some curiosity. I’m not just on here for a hookup, but don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with that. But the main reason I’m on here is to just meet some cool people with no expectations and see where things go.” This might sound like a mouthful to some of you, but I have never ever seen a negative response to this, in fact, I feel it always gets a very positive response. That’s because it ticks almost every box, but also doesn’t put you into one specific category of either looking for a hookup or a relationship. Plus, being laid back and open to different experiences is generally an attractive quality. If she wants a hookup, you are the guy, if she wants a relationship you are the guy, plus you aren’t shying away from something casual assuming that she doesn’t want that. If You Are Using Tinder For A Hookup (But Are Open-Minded)Again, you don’t want to be completely polarizing and say something along the lines of “I just want a hookup”. Even if your match is this could scare her off. The number of matches you would scare away versus the amount that would like your honesty would be a little too high for my liking… You can (and should) still be honest though, but can do some a little more ambiguously. Here’s an example: Question: What are you looking for on Tinder?Answer: “I don’t know the exact answer to that question. I guess it’s not for anything too specific and I’m open to just meeting some cool people. I’m probably not looking for anything too serious, but also not just desperately searching for a hookup. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with meeting up with someone like that, but I wouldn’t say that’s the only reason I’m here.” The takeaway from this example is that you have definitely thought about using Tinder for something casual, but are not desperate and strictly trying to get laid from anyone. No one wants to feel like they are one of the many people you are just trying to get a one-night stand from. If You Are Using Tinder To Find A Relationship (But Are Open-Minded)From the graph above it’s clear that you are way more likely to find someone with some common ground if this is what you are looking for, especially compared to one-night stands. But with that being said, you still don’t want to outright say “I am looking for a serious girlfriend!” It’s just a bit too much pressure. Let’s take a look at an example: Question: What are you looking for on Tinder?Answer: “The main reason is to meet some cool people, maybe catch up and see where things go. I’m not exactly searching for my next girlfriend, but not opposed to the idea of meeting someone from Tinder.” If your match is looking for a partner then this will be perfect for her, but even if she’s not, she wouldn’t freak out thinking that you will be wanting more. Perfect! Remember, I have never seen any negative pushback from any of these responses, so try them out next time you’re faced with this question. Final ThoughtsJust remember to try and be as honest as you can with what it is you are looking for on Tinder. Don’t lie, and your match will appreciate your honesty and be more willing to hang out. If you are just starting off on Tinder and thinking there may be a better app for you, make sure you go take my quiz to find the best dating app for your needs. |
What to say when he asks what you are looking for?
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