What does it mean when you dream about your ex getting back together

For most people, sleep is the best, partially because it gives us a chance to relax and dream. But sometimes, those dreams can be the source of major stress, especially if you’re dreaming about someone you’d rather forget. One minute, you’re dreaming about eating the best ice cream you’ve ever tasted, and then, suddenly…your ex is there? What does it mean when you dream about your ex? It’s not always a sign that you subconsciously want to get back together.

Of course, it’s only natural to wonder the reasoning behind your dreams, and your curiosity probably doubles when someone unexpected pops up. But even if you’re happily in a new relationship (or feel like, in your waking hours, you’re super over that old boyfriend or girlfriend), it’s not that strange if you see an ex or two in your dreams.

Dreaming about an ex is actually really common — and it might not mean what you think. If you’ve found yourself wondering why your brain keeps bringing up a certain person when you’re asleep, one (or more) of these reasons might explain it.

1. You have unresolved feelings toward your ex.

Before you freak out too much about this one, remember that these feelings don’t necessarily have to be romantic ones. According to relationship expert Terri Orbuch, who spoke to Women’s Health, dreaming about an ex could mean that you’re looking for closure. Maybe you’re unsettled with the way things ended between the two of you, or maybe you’re still trying to work past the way your relationship ended in your mind.

2. You’re worried about being successful in a new relationship.

As Ally Mead — a psychic who has studied dream analysis — told The Huffington Post, there’s a good chance that if you dream about the ex when you’re starting a new relationship with someone else, you’re probably comparing the two in an effort to make sure that this time, things work out. “If you’re entering into a relationship with a new person, your psyche may still be trying to sort out the pluses and minuses of your old relationship,” Mead said. “In this situation, your psyche is trying to ensure success with your new relationship.”

“Most of the time, however, dreams are symbolic and not literal,” Mead said. “Your feelings are probably best directed toward healing whatever happened to make you exes in the first place.”

So basically, if you’re dreaming about your ex, think about why your relationship ended and what you could have done differently. If it was your fault — and even if it wasn’t — sorting that out and preventing it from happening in future relationships could put these dreams to an end.

4. You’re actually not over them.

Even though there are plenty of reasons you’re dreaming about your ex other than still having feelings for him or her, this is still an option. You might need to take a deep look inside yourself and figure out if you’re actually wishing you could get back together…and then figure out where to go from there.

5. It’s not about your ex, it’s about you.

According to Psychics Universe, there’s a chance that an ex in a dream represents a part of you. Maybe it means that you gave up too much of yourself and what you love in your past relationship, and it’s time to get that back. Or maybe it means that you’re neglecting yourself in some way. Either way, it can’t hurt to analyze your own behavior during the time you were with your ex and figure out if you need to make any major changes.

For a lot of people, getting over an old relationship is difficult, simply because it comes with the fear of being hurt the same way again — especially if your breakup was particularly brutal. That might have something to do with your ex guest starring in your dreams. According to Exemplore, the dream might even be your way of realizing a new relationship is going down the same path. That might mean that you need to do what you can to change the relationship’s course, or that you haven’t had full emotional closure.

7. The ex in your dream is actually you, breaking up with yourself.

As you can probably tell by now, exes appearing in dreams can symbolize all kinds of things. Exemplore says it might just be your mind’s way of telling you that you’re repressing a different side of yourself — likely an opposite side of yourself — and that you need to get in touch with who you really are.

“Interpreting this type of dream as a sign that you should re-connect with your ex will not only leave this issue unresolved but will also complicate the issue further,” the site says. “This dream is giving you the message that you need to strengthen the relationship you have with yourself; don’t distract yourself by misplacing your energy into external relationships at the moment.”

If things between the two of you didn’t end well and there was never an opportunity for forgiveness, the dream could be your brain’s way of creating that opportunity for you. According to Dreamstop, it might represent the fact that you need to make peace with your ex. Want the dreams to stop? Forgive your ex when you’re awake and conscious, and that might just do it.

According to Dreammoods Dream Dictionary, seeing your ex in a dream could mean that there’s something in your old life with that person that you miss — and you want it back. However, that missing piece isn’t necessarily the person; it could be where you lived, something you did together, or a place you used to visit often during that time in your life.

10. Something in your life is making you unhappy.

Dreammoods also adds that an ex in your dream could be a symbol of something else in your life that’s making you unhappy, something else you need to “break up with” in order to fully move on. If there’s anything you know for a fact is dragging you down, it might be a good idea to take steps to change

Dreaming about an ex can mean all kinds of things, but if you want to know what that dream is trying to tell you, it’s best to look inside yourself. You probably already have all the answers you’re looking for.

I remember many of my dreams, and they’re often quite weird, to say the least. Certain themes and locations recur in my nighttime adventures (I dream about being trapped in a mall, being on airplane that’s on the highway, and about going to Disney World all the time), but one of the most common and emotionally confusing situations is when I dream about certain people from my past. So I went straight to a dream expert to answer the all too common question: Why do I keep dreaming about my ex?

First things first: I’m definitely not alone in this slumber-induced phenomenon. “Dreaming about your ex is super common,” says Lauri Loewenberg, author and certified dream analyst. It can happen whether you’re currently in a happy relationship (as I am) or not. And in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, plenty of people have noted that they’ve had dreams wherein they cheat on partner, sometimes with an ex. But the meaning of any of these dreams to be teased out from them likely doesn’t have much to do with your ex, specifically. “The context of the dream makes a big difference in what it means,” Loewenberg says. Below, Loewenberg outlines possible reasons as to why you keep dreaming about an ex, and analyzes the meaning of popular dreams during which it happens.

2 reasons you may keep dreaming about an ex anyway

1. They represent something you want (but that something isn’t automatically to get back together

According to Loewenberg, it’s best to not read too far into it. A big misconception is that dreaming about your ex signifies you want that person back in your life; after all, why else would your subconscious keep visualizing them. But Loewenberg suggests to think less literally: “Usually [the dream] is not so much about your ex, but about what they represent.” Of course, this representation can be a whole plethora of things, so working to analyze each dream, which Loewenberg calls our “second brain” may be trying to tell you is key. “[Dreams are] brutally honest with you and try to show you what’s going on in your heart and your mind so you can make better decisions while you’re awake.”

“Usually [the dream] is not so much about your ex, but about what they represent.” —Lauri Loewenberg, certified dream analyst

2. You crave a change in your current situation

Loewnberg previously told Well+Good that cheating dreams (which often occur with an ex) can happen when you’re spending an inordinate or increased amount of time with a partner, and crave a novel situation. She says this helps to explain why many folks have had cheating dreams with an ex while quarantining with their partner during the pandemic. “The need for an escape gets stronger and stronger, and the cheating dream happens as a means of an escape,” she says.

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To understand the message your subconscious is trying to send, keep scrolling for intel on what nine different dreams can indicate and what you can learn from each.

9 of the most common dreams people have about their ex

1. When you dream about your first love

The ex people tend to dream about most often is their first love. “You’ll dream about them years after you’re together—they’ll continue to pop up because of what they represent,” Loewenberg says. “Your first love represents passion and feeling desired, and someone else always wanting to be together with you. That excitement, the butterflies, that spice that you experience with your first love will continue to show up for a few reasons.”

One of those reasons may be that your current relationship is becoming routine, as she says all relationships do. “It’s a healthy dream in the sense that it’s reminding you that you need these feelings, so think of what you can do in your current relationship to spice it up and make it exciting again.” She adds that a first love can also show up in dreams if you’re single and seeking a relationship as a way for your subconscious to remind you that you’ve been in love before and can be in love again.

2. When you dream about an abusive ex

This could mean a few things. One possibility is “you haven’t been able to let go of the distrust, the anger, and the resentment that they created,” says Loewenberg, adding that part of you may still be allowing the ex to live on in your head.

But, perhaps counterintuitively, if you’re having sex with or acting romantic in another sense with this person in your dream, it might reflect good news. “That can be an indication that you have come to peace with that relationship—that it happened, you learned your lesson, and you have forgiven yourself,” she says. Even if you’re back together in the dream, she notes that it may be more about you loving yourself despite what you dealt with in that relationship. If your dream is making you feel uncomfortable or unsafe during your waking hours though, seek the help of a professional.

3. When you and your ex are fighting

“There’s a common dream where you’re fighting with your ex—sometimes even trying to kill them or they’re trying to kill you,” says Loewenberg. “Typically this doesn’t mean you’re going to be on a future episode of Dateline. What it really means is that you’re still fighting with yourself over that relationship and you’re still beating yourself up over it.” In fact, she adds, murder in your dream might be good news, indicating that you’re in the process of successfully killing off the hold that the relationship had over you.

4. When you’re pregnant with their child

Don’t freak out—pregnancy dreams with an ex are positive. “This means that you have learned something from that relationship, and that lesson—that wisdom—is what’s growing inside of you. You’ve grown from it.”

5. When you’re just near your ex

There are some dreams in which your ex is just there, maybe in the car or in the background in some other way, says Loewenberg. “Of course, the meaning depends on how far removed the ex is. If it’s a recent ex, that’s telling you that the ex is still prevalent and something about the relationship is still being carried with you. But if it’s an ex from many years ago, then there’s something about the ex or the relationship that’s going on now in your life…something going on in your life now is reminding you of it.”

For example, if you or even a friend is dating someone new, something about this person may trigger a memory of your past relationship. “It’s up to you to decide if it’s a good thing or a bad thing and whether you need to do something about it,” says Loewenberg.

6. When you’re stealing from your ex

“This is usually with a recent ex, and you dream about breaking into their car or house, and you’re trying to steal something,” Loewenberg says. In this case, whatever you’re breaking into represents their mind-set, meaning you’re trying to get into their head and heart to understand what’s going on and what happened to make the relationship end.

7. When your ex wants you back

There can be a significant meaning here. “If you dream about an ex from a long time ago or your abusive ex, and they’re wanting you back in your dream, that’s just your subconscious giving you a heads up that you might be becoming weak to a current situation that is similar,” Loewenberg says. “It’s also kind of a wake-up call: You need to have a convo with yourself and say what it is about this person you want back.” Obviously, the relationship didn’t work for one reason or another, so figure out what about the person is currently intriguing you and then introspect accordingly.

8. When you dream about a recent ex

“If you dream about a more recent ex, one that you would like to have back, then that’s you wishing—it’s a wish-fulfillment dream,” says Loewenberg. Basically, your subconscious is living out the situation it desires—maybe your ex is apologizing or fighting to get you back. If this is the case, but you distinctly don’t want to get back together with this person, your subconscious may be saying it simply wants a relationship in general.

9. When your ex is with someone else

Another dreaming-about-your-ex scenario involves your ex being with another romantic interest. “This is another common one,” says Loewenberg. “Your subconscious is trying to reason with you and let you know that your ex has moved on and has a new life. They have other things going on and you need to do the same.”

If you wake up from a dream about an ex while your current partner is snoozing right beside you, rest assured that they can’t read your mind. Also know that you haven’t done anything wrong, and dreaming about your ex doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re unhappy in your current relationship. “Happier couples start to realize they miss the excitement of reuniting after a long day’s work,” Loewenberg previously told Well+Good about couples who have cheating dreams during quarantine.

Ultimately, your dreams at night are not a by-the-book script of your real life. Sure, you’ can analyze them to tease out meaning, but they’re often not as they seem on face value. If you feel you have an issue going on in real life and your dreams are reinforcing that notion, you can communicate with your partner or seek the assistance of a mental-health professional or therapist.

Originally published April 22, 2019.

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