My mom is always angry and negative Reddit

My mom has always been a high strung and very anxious/negative person. We never got along when I was growing up, but we are trying to have some relationship now that I am an adult. I see her once every three months or so for lunch or dinner.

While I love her, my biggest issue is that she, very forcefully, gives out a ton of negative, shitty advice. Lately, she has been arguing with me about my anti-depressant usage. I went on anti-depressants this year, prescribed by my physician, and they have helped me dramatically. I am so much happier and more energetic these days. I mentioned this is passing once and she freaked out and still brings up how they are terrible, the pharmaceutical company and doctor are just ripping me off, they'll turn me into a walking zombie, etc. I tried to explain to her that depression is an actual physical illness that sometimes requires medication, and then she started telling me that I just wasn't motivated or trying hard enough to be happy, to try just being happy, going to church, or taking some herbs. She'll bring this up constantly.

This is not the issue so much as today she found out through my sister that I recently quit my desk job in media buying to become a personal trainer at a luxury gym. She knew that I hated my desk job and that I have been thinking about leaving all year. She would often call to check up on how interviewing was going and ask what kind of job I was looking for. But today she called me and left me a voicemail about how I am screwing up my career future by taking a fully commission based job, the gym is just using me, how I am wasting my college degree, will not amount to anything on this career path, and how she used to think I was so smart but I've been making so many poor career choices since leaving college and she is just oh so upset about it all. Why can't I just be a lawyer or work in HR like she always tried to push me into?

I don't plan on picking up her phone calls to engage in these conversations. However, this week, I will be spending 3 days with her for Christmas and I just know she will try to pick fights with her fiance there to egg her on. He loves to "debate" and "give advice" as well. I am almost thinking of telling her that I have to work over the holidays and can not make it home.

tl;dr: My mom loves to overreact about decisions that have nothing to do with her and really do not affect her. Today she called me to overreact about my recent job change from media buying, which I hated, to personal training. I know she is going to try to give me shitty advice and bring me down for the three days I am home, hoping to "help me make better choices" (her choices for me). I am wondering if I should skip out on the holidays with my family this year.

(throwaway account because I don't want my parents to know I made this post)

I (21F) just finished my third year of college and have been home with my parents since March due to the COVID-19 stay-at-home situation.

The situation has been OK overall, though I have an increasingly strained relationship with my mother due to her tendency to yell at and overly criticize me for minor mistakes I make. Her yelling stems from anger issues that have developed as a result of her growing up in a dysfunctional family, and I have tried to be understanding of that and remain calm and/or leave the room when she gets upset with me and/or my dad (I rarely argue with my dad or with anyone outside my immediate family, but my mom argues with and/or yells at me and my dad on a regular basis), but it is incredibly difficult to keep my cool when she yells at and/or argues with me and my dad so frequently (typically at least once every other day), and I admittedly have gotten defensive and snapped back a few times (which only makes things worse and results in both my parents getting mad at me).

I often don't realize I have made a mistake until after my mom has started yelling at me, which has only made it more difficult to manage my emotions due to being confused as to why my mom is suddenly yelling at me during what I thought was a civil conversation. To make matters worse, I have found that I am much more likely to forget the mistake I made and how to not make it again when she yells at me about it (I think this is due to my brain blocking out the lessons learned due to their association with bad experiences), which only results in her getting more upset when it comes up again due to her being tired of me making the same mistake multiple times.

In recent years, my mom has also started criticizing me during arguments, saying that I am argumentative, emotional, and over-dramatic, and the constant criticisms have really worn on my self-esteem. She has also often ended arguments by saying "(insert thing she is currently upset with me for) IS WHY WE ALWAYS HAVE ARGUMENTS." in a really angry tone, which has made it more difficult for me to grow and learn from my mistakes, and she regularly feels like nobody listens to her. I have tried telling her about how these arguments make me feel when we are both in a calmer mood, only for her to go on about all of the things I need to do to keep her from yelling at me (which isn't always the same for each yelling situation) without pausing to consider ways to keep herself calm when we are having a discussion.

I also have a very difficult time expressing negative emotions of any kind in front of my parents (especially my mom) due to being criticized for it in the past. For instance, my mom has gotten upset with me for crying in the past because she thought I was emotionally manipulating her (her mom emotionally manipulated her during her childhood by crying in order to get my mom to pity her). I have tried to be understanding of her, given her dysfunctional youth, especially since she is gradually learning that crying does not necessarily equal manipulation, though I can't bring myself to feel comfortable crying in front of her until I know for sure my mom won't get upset with me for it.

I have also been dealing with anxiety issues on and off for the past 6 years. I've talked with my mom about this and about how I think I could benefit from seeing a professional to help me work through my anxiety issues, only for her to encourage me to work it through on my own (I've tried multiple coping methods for my anxiety, and they have helped some, but I still have a lot of anxiety issues even with the methods I have tried) and say that therapy is something you pay hundreds of dollars for only to be told the same things you could just figure out on your own. She also thinks I just overreact a lot and doesn't realize the severity of my anxiety issues, and I'm starting to think she probably isn't someone I can go to when I need to talk about my anxiety.

In recent years, I have started reaching out to one of my former teachers in order to get a different and calmer perspective on things, especially for things that I don't feel comfortable talking with my parents about, and I recently told her about my anxiety and issues with my parents. She immediately became worried that I am in an abusive and overly controlling situation due to my mom taking her anger issues out on me (and me feeling like I need to walk on eggshells to reduce the likelihood of her yelling at me), and she urged me to seek counseling for my anxiety through my school's counseling services (very different from my mom's stance of avoiding counseling unless absolutely critical).

I don't think it helps that my mind frequently plays flashbacks of when my mom suffered from alcohol abuse issues during my middle school/early high school years. During this time, my parents had especially bad arguments that involved screaming, slamming doors, and threatening to divorce/separate and never see each other again. I cried in my room almost every time this happened due to a growing fear that my parents would divorce. Thankfully, my mom is now sober, and years have passed since the last time happened. I know this is in the past now, and I really wish I could get over this, but it still affects me to this day and has only increased the strain in my relationship with my parents.

All of this has left me wondering... Is it normal for these kinds of situations to take place with one's parent(s) this frequently? Regardless, I wish I knew of a way to de-escalate these situations for both of our sakes, and I was wondering if you have any advice on how to cope with these situations?

TL;DR: My mom yells at and criticizes me frequently due to anger issues stemming from a dysfunctional childhood, and she has discouraged me from seeking counseling for my anxiety due to thinking I am just overreacting. My former teacher, on the other hand, has encouraged counseling for my anxiety, and has had a much calmer perspective on things in general. Is it normal for one's parent(s) to yell at them this frequently? And do you have any advice on how to cope with this?

Ever since I was born she has just always been perpetually angry at everything in life. She gets angry at everything, says the dumbest shit, and I don't think she's ever met a single person who enjoys being around her. She is always just redirecting her anger towards her children for no reason. I swear this bitch is a psychopath.

She always has something to complain about. I don't understand how someone can be angry LITERALLY all the time, isn't it exhausting? Whenever she talks to someone about anything all she ever does is complain about SOMETHING. I don't think any of her kids would miss her once we all move out.